Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconrancidtoxicity: More from RancidToxicity


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
November 16, 2012
File Size
683 bytes
Submitted with
Sta.sh
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
191
Favourites
14 (who?)
Comments
5
×
I hear Bells crying
In my head,
I hear Bells knell
For those passed.

The thrum goes on
For those left behind.

How often do you
Take the time to listen?
How often do you
Soak up that second to see?

This melody called life
Can you taste it? Hear it?
Inhale.
Spices enter your lungs,
Close your eyes.
The ocean envelops your ears.

You only have so long,
Do you spare time to listen?
Do you bring yourself to see?


The thrum goes on,
For those left behind.
Just a little something out of a stack of poems I wrote this week.
Freewrite, really, with minor editions.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconthemoormaiden:
TheMoorMaiden Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Student Writer
I really like the lines:

This melody called life
Can you taste it? Hear it?
Inhale.
Spices enter your lungs,
:)

There's something quite sensual about them, and I like that aspect of it a lot. :D

Personally I don't think your last two stanzas are quite as strong as the rest of the piece, but that's just my opinion. :) If this were mine, I'd change them to just one little stanza with the lines: 'You only have so long,/ The thrum goes on for those left behind', as I do think those two lines are strong. ^__^
Reply
:iconrancidtoxicity:
RancidToxicity Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I just realized I said the word 'poem' a hundred times in my last comment. Sorry about that ^^;
Reply
:iconthemoormaiden:
TheMoorMaiden Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Student Writer
:XD: I didn't really notice, so don't worry about it.
Reply
:iconrancidtoxicity:
RancidToxicity Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the critique!
I'll actually fix up the poem since you suggested it. I believe you're right, the poem does sound better if its ending is simplified into those two lines.

Also, I'm glad you liked that part of the poem, it's my favorite part as well. It flowed out much easier than most of the poem (:
Reply
:iconthemoormaiden:
TheMoorMaiden Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome. :)
Reply
Add a Comment: